Wednesday, 11 April 2007

More Useful Information

Thursday 12th April
Yet again as I browse through my StatCounter account, I find that Google has been bringing to this site people from all over the world in search of wisdom that they are presumably failing to find elsewhere. This is all kinds of wrong, for as the students whose essays about the pros and cons of computers I recently graded repeatedly observe: everything you need to know is on the internet. Please excuse me while I do my humble best to answer those queries.

9. CAT PREPARATION MONK TEST PAPER (Gujurat, India )
Unfortunately, I can't really answer this particular query without knowing whether you want a test for monks wishing to prepare cats, or for felines seeking religious orders, as the two are really very different. Still, if you can't find a suitable test paper why not just ask the candidate (be they man or beast) to "Write a 1,500 word essay on exactly why you are considering this particular course of action."

10. ESL lesson plan with Seinfeld or The Office (Springfield, MA)
One of my students asked me to recommend a comedy to watch and I suggested Seinfeld. They pulled a sour face: "That's that one where they wear really old fashioned clothes, isn't it?"

11. apartments for rent in ulaan baatar (Econo Lodge, Salt Lake City)
To foreigners, apartments in UB usually start around the $200 a month mark, but they are presumably cheaper for locals as the average wage here is $80 a month. I can't help thinking that some pretty desperate circumstances must have led to someone finding themselves in an Econo Lodge in Utah looking to rent an apartment in Ulaanbaatar. Is this a desperate salesman with a suitcase full of unsold samples, or a guilt-stricken recidivist Mormon adulterer seeking to escape from the consequences of a forbidden liaison?

12. how to teach English Literature interesting (Kuala Lumpa)
Apparently sword-swallowing isn't so difficult with a bit of practice, and if you pay strict attention to their feeding routines, a python or a lion can be handled very easily. Or take a tip from Arthur Brown and set fire to your head (he did wear a special hat for this, although he is noticeably bald today).

13. In a hurry beef stew (Vancouver)
I was really excited to get this search because I know exactly how to make a beef stew about as quickly as is humanly possible. Peel your spuds and set them to boil. Meanwhile, dice and fry a few onions and carrots. Once they're ready, add them to the spuds with a can of corned beef, also diced. Bung in some pepper (usually there's enough salt in the corned beef, but do at least do the chef thing and slurp at a spoonful before serving). The whole process usually takes about 35 to 40 minutes. Serve with a garnish of pickled red cabbage. A lot of people have turned up their noses at stew made with corned beef, but I can't recall anyone who's tried it ever complaining.

14. Fish and chip gravy bisto granules which type (Coventry, UK)
Whilst I will defend corned beef stew to my dying breath, this kind of query really is beneath me. Bisto granules! That's blasphemy. Fish & chips = mushy peas. Gravy of any sort should never enter into the equation. I have no doubt that if you visit the Bisto website you'll find that they market a "yummy chip-shop brand" or some such for anyone perverse enough to consider that. Is this the kind of behaviour which passes without comment in Coventry; is this why people get 'sent' there?

15. What is fecund (Southampton, UK)
16. fecund (Oakland, CA)
17. fecund (Atlanta, GA)
18. What is fecund (Somewhere unspecified, UK)
Okay, this one has already been answered, but it doesn't do any harm to reiterate: That field over there is fecund.

19. How to freshen up a dog when you can't give him a bath (Camden, NJ)
I am picturing a real decrepit invalid of a dog, but maybe the would-be-freshener doesn't have a bath, or cannot be arsed to immerse the hound in question in water? Whichever, I would think a few cans of deodorant or maybe some Shake 'n' Vac would hold the key to this particular dilemma. For a while Elvis was popping pills that his 'doctor' told him would obviate the need to bathe. They didn't work.

20. Les Dawson (Poitou-charentes, Poitiers, France)
The thought of some would-be Camus or Foucault down in sunny Poitou-charentes pondering the existence of the late-lamented host of Blankety-Blank tickles me somewhat.

21. How does a guy feel when he receives a job inside a art museum and he was surprised when he arrived on his fi (Halifax, Nova Scotia)
I cannot tell you how intrigued I am to know what the guy found when he arrived at his new job in the art museum. Sometimes, alas, the internet can only tantalize us with questions to which we will never know the answer.

22. cartoon of a baby smoking a cigarette (NY State)
I hate to think that someone might search the internet for a cartoon of a baby smoking a cigarette and not find one. This is a need which I must immediately remedy. It's the best I can manage with Apple Paint, but I hope that this will do.

2 comments:

Ben said...

I was looking for Enkhbayar. My lecturer told me he would be on 4's Today programme this morning but no show. How about a picture of Enkhbayar in a nappy smoking a cigarette?

ulaanbaanjo said...

Ha! Well, I think I'll wait and find out what exactly happened to the Mongolian KGB before I respond to that request. Meantime thanks for the tip, I'll be checking Radio 4 on line to try and catch the interview.